i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..
u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!
i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Randomize
