just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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