is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
Randomize
