so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
She told me I should be a condom model.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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