there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
