yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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