I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
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