i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
Randomize
