Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I can't say "baby i'm to high to talk to you" in Starbucks.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
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