he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Randomize
