the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
I haven't been dieting for my entire life to date some guy who thinks his dad bod is a riot.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
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