So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Made it to the top o the stairs ALIVE YES FUCJ YOU GRAVITY
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