Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
It's not real sex if he's just convulsing inside of you.
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
