dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
