Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
