Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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