$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Randomize
