Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I'm getting married
To pizza
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Randomize
