i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
I'm playing a drinking game with nyc prep. This will not end well for meeee
Everytime the gay dude pretends he's not gay, drink a cosmo. Everytime the crosseyed girl is crosseyed, kill her
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I think I ingested my vampire fangs last night.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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