2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
wanna see your best friend chug a bottle of steak sauce?
please go to sleep
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
Randomize
