I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
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