I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
