Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
