I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
