You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
