took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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