you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Barsexuality is the new black.
This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
Randomize
