Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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