Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Besides, I'm booked tomorrow. I'm planning on drinking heavily and crying in the bath.
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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