that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
