I didn't shave. On purpose
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
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