That's intense
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
