just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I feel like I have the I just lost my virginity face and everyone at the grocery store knows it.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
