i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i think i scared a bird with my dick
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Randomize
