Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
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