He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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