Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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