i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
Just traded a sandwich for anxiety drugs outside the club. I fuckin' LOVE this place.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
this hospital has no fireball
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
Randomize
