You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
