Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
