You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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