booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
Just dropped $150 at the liquor store. No power and two feet of snow has taken my alcoholism to another level.
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I deserve this hangover.
Randomize
