dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
first one here with a pint of chicken lo mein, aspirin, and diet green tea ginger ale, gets a full effort bj the day after tomorrow.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Last night when I blacked out, I ate Chef Boyardee. I never want to be that drunk ever, ever again.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
