I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
