just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Randomize
