Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
This guy has a retainer. We're golden.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
