I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
The best revenge is premature balding
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
