I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
If last night was a website it would be called poordecisions.com OR uncircumcisedspanishweiner.org
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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