fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
