The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Randomize
