my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
This is the 4 year anniversary of the last time I shit my pants. Let's get drunk...
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
Randomize
